2020年5月16日，我参加了托福在家考，完成了第16场托福考试。

　　我的习惯是，考试结束后，默出文章，尽量保持原状。这样出分后，就得到一篇有真实分数的范文。

　　最后出分112，写作28分。很惭愧，不算高。

　　但这是市面上能找到的、唯一一篇出分的在家考范文（因为很少有人考完会把文章默出来），因此，贴出来供同学参考。

　　比文章更重要的是，我邀请了北京新东方托福写作满分名师、托福118分得主白瑜老师，对这篇文章翻译点评。

　　A university plans to invest money in building one of the following to improve the quality of life for students living in a dormitory on campus. Choose one that can best serve the purpose. Use specific reasons and examples.

　　①An exercise room for students to do physical exercise

　　②A quiet room where students can study

　　③An entertainment room where students can get together and watch a film

　　[373 words]

　　开头段

　　If a university plans to get the most out of an investment in terms of improving the quality of life for students living in dorm, it should invest in building an exercise room on campus.

　　【内容】：

　　开头虽然只有一句话，但是非常好地完成了【引出话题】和【表明个人观点】两个核心任务。推荐各位同学们在考场使用这种内容简洁干脆的开头，省时间好操作，把更多的考场时间留给主体段和检查。

　　【语言】：

　　① 写作要想在高分基础上冲击满分，则需要再细心一些，比如可数名词泛指需要加冠词或加s;  比如dorm是可数名词，因此是in dorms。

　　主体段1

　　First of all, an exercise room or a gym goes a long way towards maintaining a student’s physical health. College life is known for its frantic final test days and inhumane working hours before deadlines. Without a healthy body, it is impossible for anyone to survive. Five years ago, when I seldom hit the gym, I caught a cold nearly every spring. And when I was sick, I couldn’t get anything done. But after I started to lift weights three years ago, sickness has left me for good.

　　【内容】：

　　优点：主题句非常切题，全文也都是围绕一个点【健康】展开。

　　但例子还有提高的空间：例子中作者描述了一下锻炼对“我”的身体的好处，并没有和题目关键词【大学里建造exercise room】建立更直接的联系；可以稍微做一下修改，把我的身份变成大学生，把健身房变成大学里新建的健身房，这样例子就更突出题目的重点。

　　独立写作一定要非常的切题才能突破高分，无论是解释还是例子都要突出题目关键词。

　　【语言】：

　　本段语言部分很好。

　　主体段2

　　Besides physical health, an exercise room helps let off steam for students. Physical exercise takes people mind off things that create stress and triggers in endorphins in brains. With an exercise room built in the gym, students who rack their brains over their economics paper or calculus assignments can sweat all their strains out on treadmills or with dumbbells.

　　【内容】：

　　虽然段落不长，但是整体非常切题流畅。

　　【语言】：

　　语言部分依然要注意小细节和笔误，像是

　　① 比如：takes people mind off things that create stress 中的mind；应该改成take people’s minds off things that create stress；再比如：sweat their strains out，strain表示压力不可数，改成sweat their strain out即可。

　　主体段3

　　Admittedly, if the exercise room is not built, students can fall back to other alternatives, such as a paid gym or jogging outdoors. But jogging outdoors is subject to weather, temperatures, and wind conditions. It is no pleasant experience to jog in freezing winter days. Surely, students can go to a paid gym. But considering that college tuition has nearly tripled in the past three decades, it is necessary to save every penny.

　　【内容】：

　　这个让步转折非常流畅，简洁明了，可以作为转折段的范例。

　　主体段4

　　As to the option of building a quiet room for students to study, it is really not necessary. Students can find plenty of better alternatives, for instance, libraries, cafes, or even dorms. These places are quiet, more comfortable, and more spacious.

　　【内容】：

　　此段内容可以有更详细的展开，会让文章在冲击满分方面更有竞争力。比如These places are quiet, more comfortable and more spacious. 可以增加一些细节，像是为什么图书馆、咖啡馆、宿舍就比a quiet room where students can study要更舒适更宽敞等。

　　主体段5

　　And an entertainment room for students to watch films is superfluous, too. If students want to watch a movie, they should just go to a movie theater since it provides a superior experience with a big screen and audio effects, not to mention the fact that it will not be a source of noise and bother other students.

　　【内容】：

　　非常切题，给出的展开也很好地证明了为什么an entertainment room没有必要。

　　结尾段

　　In short, I believe having an exercise room built in the dorm is the best way to enhance students’ quality of life.

　　【内容】：

　　推荐这种一句话的结构，十分简洁，为全文检查省出时间。

　　整体点评

　　托福写作要想冲击满分，重点在三：

　　1.没有小错，要细心

　　2.语言流畅，且具有细节

　　3.段落拓展要切题也要有细节性的展开

　　本篇文章是很典型的托福写作高分作文，语言十分流畅自然，而且开头结尾非常简洁明了，段落之间层次清晰，每个段落都是从不同的角度论证观点，但写作完成后如果能够留出时间检查语言细节，并且题干关键词和每段的细节都全面照顾到就能写得更加精彩。

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